American Magazine, September 1941
Searching the phrase “Domestic Discipline” you can find numerous sources of information, blogs and even pictures and videos. Trying to understand and wrap your mind around the idea of “wife spanking” in the 21st century may be somewhat difficult for many modern minds. Obviously the subject interests you (or your significant other), otherwise you probably would not be reading this. But, what is it? Not only what, but why, but who and how, and when and where? There is no one size fits all answer to any of these questions. It is a very intimate and mysterious phenomenon, undeniably enticing many, yet, so difficult to understand, and even more difficult to explain. Most of the answers will come from your own exploration and experimentation. What domestic discipline is to you will evolve and be defined as you and your partner discover your own needs and beliefs. That said, I will tell you what it is not.
At the Blushing Books Writers’ Conference a couple weekends ago our Editor in Chief, Victoria Rouch, gave a lecture on characterizations. She made some statements in the course of that lecture that meant a lot to me as a writer of romantic spanking stories, and as a woman. Victoria said one annoying thing writers often do is portraying the lead male character(s) as too perfect. I don’t remember her exact words, but she said he should not be infallible, always fair, always the best provider, always in control, always honest, always good at everything they do, etc… It just is not realistic. She also does not like to read things that are brutal, depictions of excessive and harmful punishments, or things degrading to women and their worth and intellect. Even in this genera we have a social responsibility to consider the ideas that we put out there. And it makes sense. While we write fiction and may like to indulge in unrealistic fantasy scenarios (Fifty Shades of Grey is a perfect example of the whole world indulging in such a story at once), excluding a few exceptions [wink], most real men are not always perfect, and most real women are not empty headed play things, in need of constant supervision and discipline. Even as the editor of a publishing company for adult spanking stories, she is a feminist. I can see that she is a woman that believes that there is equality between the genders. Though there are differences between men and women that play in to how we interact with each other in our private relationships, we are equal.
Domestic Discipline is not a practice that should lead a man to believe he never again has to say he is sorry. It is not a relationship in which a woman is always wrong and he right. It is not a submissive never having a voice in important, or unimportant, decisions. A woman must not forfeit her autonomy or her rights as a free citizen if she is lucky enough to live in a country where those rights have been dearly won. It certainly should never be harmful, or cause permanent scars, physical or emotional. A domestic disciple relationship is not a relationship in which a woman is told what to wear or not wear, where to go and not go, what to do and not do, what to buy and not buy, who to see and not see, every day of her life for no other purpose than to dominate and control her mind, body, will and spirit. Don’t get me wrong. There may be times when clear orders are given to not wear that when you go there, or do not go to that side of town alone after dark, or ‘I do not want you to go out with this particular person for these reasons’. Heaven help you if you spend the mortgage payment on new shoes and a purse. Unfortunately, there will be times when a decision has to be made that will affect you both. As half of that partnership, the woman’s viewpoint should be sought out, listened to and reflected upon. The difficult part comes if agreement cannot be reached. In such cases, the final decision may be made by the man of the house. It seems unfair, but an ongoing fight and being stuck in stalemate is no good for either of you or the household as a whole. Deciding ahead of time to submit to your husband’s final word on issues that you do not yet know will come up is kind of scary. You may be realizing that there are times when a thin grey line is the only thing separating the loving, harmonious realm of domestic disciple from what could possibly turn into a scenario of overbearing and controlling domestic abuse.
Sadly, domestic abuse is prevalent in all cultures, classes and races. It is the number one cause of injury to women ages 15-44. (“Violence Against Women, A Majority Staff Report,” Committee on the Judiciary, United States Senate, 102nd Congress, October 1992, p.3.) Somehow, it just happens. I don’t mean to marginalize this fact or make it sound like no big deal, but it does just happen. People experience their strongest emotions during the day to day interactions with their partner. People we live with, that stir our deepest passions, naturally will get to experience our best and our worst extremes. Sometimes life is hard and stresses overwhelm us and we lose control. Some people have better coping skills and self-control than others. Most instances of abuse are never reported. It is just as likely to happen in a doctor’s house as it is at a ditch digger’s. Most cases are men victimizing women. Domestic violence is very real. It is also the opposite of domestic discipline. One is the rage filled result of loss of control, or ongoing lack of respect for the opposite sex, sometimes even triggered by those exact two traits in the victim. (Let us be honest. I’m not saying that makes it right.) Testosterone and Estrogen sometimes come together in a perfect storm. Eminem articulated this perspective in his song, Love The Way You Lie, “…maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano…” It is a beautiful song about an ugly issue with which too many couples have struggled. Domestic Discipline, on the other hand, requires a man that carefully controls his dominate, masculine energy and uses it for good, and with love. It requires a woman unashamedly in touch with her softer, more submissive inclinations towards that man. It is the kind of relationship where such natural tendencies, that so many of us have, can be expressed in a complimentary and gratifying way. Domestic Disciple relationships require two people that love, trust and value each other, and their union.
So how does one avoid abusive relationships? I think the most important thing a woman can do to protect herself is to choose the right partner. Sounds overly simplified, I know, but we must be careful of what kind of man to which we attach ourselves. When in the dating phase we may get distracted by looks and physique. Maybe you are attracted to a man’s financial security; he owns a business, a big house and a nice car, showing stability in that area. He may be exciting and have a magnetic personality, charm and confidence. All of those things are great. But how does he treat little children and small animals? Does he lose his temper easily, such as when stuck in traffic? Does he question you incessantly about the details of your day and to whom you speak? Is he jealous of your time, keeping you from your friends and family? If you are already in a relationship, be it new or having celebrated many anniversaries, and you and your partner are toying with the idea of domestic discipline, before you go any further ask yourself a few questions. Does he believe in gender equality? Does he respect your feelings and opinions? Does he truly, deeply and selflessly love and cherish you? Does he often ask your opinion or seek your advice? Is he a man of strong moral fortitude and good character? No one is perfect but he should be a good man. Be honest with yourself when answering these questions. Some men are just not fit or worthy of this role. For a woman wanting this kind of relationship, choosing a man is like electing your own Prime Minister. And there is a chance that you may have elected one that should be impeached. If you must strictly account for every dollar you spend and for every minute of your day in order to keep peace, that is an abusive relationship. If you feel you are lower than, or less than him, that is not a healthy relationship. If you afraid of him, and I don’t mean afraid of getting spanked, I mean you generally fear him, especially when he is upset or having a bad day, then he is not suitable to be the “Head of the Household”.
This kind of relationship may save or revitalize your marriage. It may bring peace, harmony and tenderness into your household. It may satisfy deep intimate needs. Just know and chose your partner well, and be mindful of that thin grey line.
Check out Eminem’s video here:
Virginia Rue 